reecaspieces

Golden Gremlin: A Vigorous Push from Misanthropes and Geezers

By Rod A Walters

Genre: Nonfiction/Humor

The worlds really needs that push, vigorous or gentle, from misanthropes & geezers, the world’s most valuable golden gremlins. Misanthropes pretend to not like or need other people, but in reality they merely prefer their own company much of the time. Geezers, besides that silly name, also like their own company quite well. Both share the virtue of seeing the world calmly. Written to make Dave Barry, Lily Tomlin, and Ben Stein laugh, Golden Gremlin: A Vigorous Push from Misanthropes and Geezers delivers the wisdom of a calm life, and the wisdom to like most of it and laugh at the rest. Heck, Barry lives in Miami, habitat of geezers,  and Ben Stein is one. You get pointy bite-sized life pointers from experienced gremlins, told in easy bite-size chunks. Laughter included in the price!. Two out of three wouldn’t be bad either.

Life is good! So laugh a little at yourself on the way through these pointy essays, and that will buy your laughing at the world’s simpler parts, guilt free.

Gremlin comprises about 70 short essays bundled into six topic areas:

NATURE: boys, poop, and carbon footprinting

WORDS: the real meaning of Caucasian

KITCHENS: Dollar Store kale

BUSINESS: stakeholders — through the heart

HISTORY: when Hell froze, and how Earth Day got born

Golden boy gets to be GOLDEN GREMLIN (the ultimate “Gotcha’ last!”)

What things could possibly be more important!

About the Author

Rod Walters lives and writes in upstate New York, an excellent place where one can truly prove he can be an all-season writer. Since he wants everybody to be all-season persons no matter what her or his lifestyle looks like, his writing tends sharply toward the practical—without turning into one of those godawful do-it-perfectly-yourself (DIpY) authors. Life, after all, is practical moment by moment. Certainly described “old enough to know better, and he might actually be,” his former life as Army officer, engineer, and administrative assistant could not have been better arranged to write both light and heavier pieces pointing to creating a balanced life. Chuckling at yourself usually makes a good start. Then again, who the heck wants to live a balanced life? He suspects that just about everybody does. That’s why he now writes. Although many friends nudge and badger him to Facebook- and Twitter-it-up, he tries not to spend 15 hours a day with circular and brain-dimming keyboarding activity. His books work better.

Website: http://www.iewriter.com/

On Amazon: http://amzn.to/2A6Sb6r

Excerpt

Abracadumbell

Alas, if only one of those good genies could swoop down and wave his wand and make you instantly smarter. Yes, yes, you might want to wish for other swag, but Genie’s one-time deal here is twice smarter. Be grateful.

There is another way to accomplish exactly the same thing, though, and I wish readers would think this one through.

What if the good genie would instead make everyone else two times dumber than you? Wave the wand, and POOF! The world around you gets less clever by half, and their glasses will still be half full. Why is this dumbed down genie-miracle so great?

Consider some advantages. For huge example, you would not have to read more books at double speed. Just keep your same skills and routines. Everyone else’s reading speed takes a dive. Relatively speaking, you now read twice as fast as they do. This includes all the Mr. Smartie speed-reader population.

You would also get richer for pretty much the same reason, though you would have to wait a little longer. You can harvest a little extra dumb money here and there, but sales still have to be made in bulk, bank accounts transferred, etc., all of which takes time. Smarts will not cut down much time on dumb stuff like that. Relatively speaking, you will make your bundle faster than the others in the before-miracle world with no more effort than “usual.”

Relatively speaking, you already knew you were smarter than your relatives.

Like all good plans you will have to weigh a couple of possible bad parts. Right away you must be prepared for the genie to balk at multiple wand-waves. For everyone else to get dumber, the genie likely needs to teleport to each continent separately to complete his waving duties. A genie who balks might become an irritated genie. Uh, oh.  Also, in the confusion you might be the one who gets dumb-waved, and your bozo cousin gets automatically smarted. Relatively speaking, this is not good.

For another thing, being double-smarter will not get you around the grocery store faster. Although you plan your itinerary as well as before, everyone else in the store has gotten one-half dumber, and the aisles will clog up. See, dumber grocery shoppers will take longer to figure out unit prices. More likely, they will confuse the prices with expiration dates, blocking traffic badly as they bend over their diagonally parked carts, open mouthed, trying to do the math.

In your own business, where we have just seen how you become richer than you would have been without this fabulous miracle, your now dumber customers or clients will be slower to pay. They will confuse the top and the bottom of your invoice, and often end up paying you the page number. This raises the serious risk of your going bust. Try to get them to pay your phone number instead, so print that figure in large, bold font at the top.

Oh, did I mention the price of this wand-waving miracle? Yes, you do get SuperSaver shipping, but you have to trade a body part – genie’s choice – for the favor. At last report he was collecting lower and lower. Something to consider.

[GOLDEN GREMLIN, “Nature” section]

Writing a book is hard. If you’ve written a book before, you know this. If you’re dreaming to write a book, you have a mountain to climb and you should understand that before you begin. But that doesn’t mean you can’t write your first novel! Or your second novel! Or third! If your book is good, it should be hard to write. That’s not something from which shy away. Most things in life that are worth doing are hard.

I’ve found with anything in life that’s difficult, the best way to approach it is to break it into pieces. Figure out how to write your book in steps. You can’t tackle everything at once, so break it up into actionable pieces that you can accomplish. Soon, as you complete one step after another, you will be holding your own book in your hands.

If you’ve read my first book, Pieces Like Pottery, you’ll recall one of the lead characters found a list of forty life tips from his former high school teacher, Mr. Smith. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from readers on these forty life tips. They seem to resonate deeply with people. In my blog (Nothinganygood.com) and in my new book on writing—an inspirational guide for indie authors on their writing journey—I’ve applied each of the forty life tips to writing and how they can help you write, market, and sell your book.

Here is a sneak peek into a few truncated versions of those tips from 40 Tips on Creative Writing:

1) Life’s too short to not seize the opportunities with which we are presented. Always take the chance to do what you love when it comes along. Write that book! Start now! Do you have thirty minutes today? Sit down and start writing.

2) Question authority. Don’t take the status quo as a requirement. Don’t look at how you think everyone else is writing and try to copy it. Find your own voice. Write in your own style, no one else’s.

3) Question those who question authority. Drink in the knowledge of as many authors as you can. Read as much as you can. Take their advice to heart. Be yourself and be inquisitive. Inquisitiveness is a gift of the writer.

4) Don’t be afraid to see dinosaurs even when everyone else around you doesn’t. Anyone who has ever tried to write anything of worth, and for that matter any creative type who has ever tried to make something out of nothing, knows how exciting and scary that can be at the same time. Take that excitement and fear and use it. Don’t worry about how others say you’re supposed to write. Write the way that you want to write. Sure, soak in all the advice and feedback from writing experts and amateurs alike. Take it all to heart. Let it wash over you. Then filter it through that beautiful brain of yours and write the way you feel called to write.

5) Be kind. Kindness can change things far beyond your wildest dreams. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it’s kindness that makes the heart grow softer. Every author would love an ever-growing readership and hundreds of positive book reviews, but recognize that people may not want to read your book. It’s not an attack on you or your book. They are busy, with a lot of interesting things competing for their attention. I know it hurts that someone wouldn’t want to read something that you spent years of thought, pain, and sacrifice in creating, but that hurt is yours not theirs. Simply processing this will do wonders for you in being kind. It doesn’t help anyone if you project that hurt onto your potential readership.

I know writing a book (or another book) can be difficult, but there is a huge author community out there ready to support you. Let me help you get your book finished and increase your sales. Let 40 Tips on Creative Writing be your inspirational guide to a successful book!

Seize the day you have in front of you. You are strong.

You are kind. You are wonderful. Don’t forget it.

― Dan Buri

40 Tips on Creative Writing is currently available in ebook and print. Dan Buri (@DanBuri777 on Twitter) is a trusted resource for writers to gain insight into the difficult world of indie publishing. His first collection of short fiction — Pieces Like Pottery — which has been recognized on multiple Best Seller Lists, is an exploration of heartbreak and redemption. His nonfiction works have been distributed online and in print, in publications including Pundit Press, Tree, Summit Avenue Review, American Discovery, and TC Huddle. Dan is a founding member of the Independent Writers Guild, a worldwide organization of writers and publishing professionals dedicated to promoting the interest of indie writers by encouraging public interest in, and fostering an appreciation of, quality indie literature. He is an active attorney in the Pacific Northwest, and lives in Oregon with his wife and two young children.