Overview

Tuni’s father began sexually abusing her when she was just four years old. Her mother, though aware of the abuse, was a silent witness—one either incapable or unwilling to intervene—and the abuse continued until Tuni was eleven. Three years later, when Tuni was fourteen, she was raped by an adult actor who was part of her cast in a professional theater production. These traumas would go on to shape much of her life.

Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escape—to use dreams to transport her away from her fears. By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath. Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle. Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, fucking, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purging—all while staying silent about her past trauma—before a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life. As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; developed the loving relationship she’d always wanted with her mother; and came to understand that, in the end, love is all anyone wants—or needs.

About the Author

Antonia Deignan is the mother of five grown children – three young men and two young women. But years before the adventure of motherhood, she parlayed her childhood years of theater into a professional ballet and jazz dance career. Following a bike accident at fifty-five, which temporarily eliminated movement from her daily existence, she found new expression through writing. The years of recovery after the accident became a gift. She rediscovered, and ultimately, found sanctuary in processing survival of childhood trauma through her body’s art and her mind’s dreams. One thing she has learned through writing her memoir is this: her most favorite thing is moving alongside the rhythms within her; it is her soul’s calling. To move is to connect with the rest of the world. She has multiple publications in magazine and online formats, and this is her first book.

Praise:

• “Antonia Deignan’s Underwater Daughter is a spellbinding memoir. At once a lyrical portrait of a young woman’s coming of age and of a mother’s coming into herself, it is a beautiful, gripping memoir of love and art, and of overcoming damage through both. Underwater Daughter is an odyssey of coming home to oneself by laying claim to one’s body and desires—as a dancer, lover, mother, teacher. Wise, moving, instructive, gorgeous.”
• E.J. Levy, author of The Cape Doctor 

• “Underwater Daughter is a poem, an anthem, a polished crystal, and one of the most profound books I’ve ever read. Antonia Deignan writes of family, dysfunction, and forgiveness beyond our human experience, revealing the exquisite beauty of life in all its pain and joy. Her voice is like the wind: fierce, restorative, and new.”

— Debra Landwehr Engle, author of The Only Little Prayer You Need

• “Like the author’s dancing, this memoir seems to have some nameless tune in its core. Deignan gently paints a picture of even the most difficult moments in her life. She has decided to live her life lovingly, and by doing so gives us all a path forward.” —Harriet Ross, cofounder of Dance for Life and retired general manager of the Joffrey Ballet

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